Monday, January 14, 2019

Absorbed

I believe
my thoughts are magnetic
my dreams, a black hole.

that my mind would have the power
to interrupt the lives of others.

who the fuck do I think I am

I'm lost inside a
suffocating inescapable
prison of me

Let me out

The winter holds us
From a spring of fire and dreams
So close and so far

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Nothing moments

"I'm only human..."
Plays on a clock radio
I am 9 years old.

Lying on a floor
Watching the radio light
Red dot in the dark.

Nothing happening
Such a vivid memory
it was, nonetheless.

And that's all life is
Just tiny nothing moments
Full of everything.

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Seasonal

The veil separating
Ordinary life and reality
Wears thin, I think
Sometime around November
When the dark expands
And moves through us.
We see more of the possibilities
Like seeing a mirrored reflection
Of a another mirror
Where each echoed picture
Is just a little different.
Could haves.
Could be.
Regrets.
Potential.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Life Less

Rain is flooding
The river
A casual crisis
Rising
Cross the road
I'm uselessly sighing
Breathing cat piss
And beer
Reading DH
Still in my boots
Sinking into
Sinking into
Nothing.

A photo of a photo

Memory's chain
Shiny, the part
Held now
Yesterday breakfast
A movie, a book.
A bad day at work.
The news.

Rusty, though, the end
Left dragging
Through the fog at night
Names and years.
Faulty snapshots
Of a bridge
After a flood.

I revisit the vivid
Untarnished dream links
(between peeling faces
From a yearbook)
And small sections
Of regret
That will never break down
Under the elements
Of time and change.

Tonight I sat with my beer
In the dark, following my chain
Backwards, to the bridge
The new bridge over the
Yakima, a No Trespassing notice
To their backs
Kids,
Shining amid rust.

Monday, August 27, 2018

Mental

Most of my misery
Stems from the idea
That another human being
Can somehow fix
What is happening
In my head.
When I know they can't.
Fact is, that belief
Makes it worse.
Alcohol doesn't fix it, either.
Writing about it
Doesn't fix it, either.
Nothing fucking fixes me
The end.

Saturday, August 25, 2018

39

It's past 4am
On a night where I swore
I'd get at least
6 hours
But I've only got
5 hours left
And I'm still
Googling
Googling
Googling
Names and videos
How-to's
Old Myspace pages
Obits and old addresses
Other people's reviews
Of hikes, shops, dives
In other states
I'm too aware
Of how stationary I've become
Also, it's almost 5am now
So that's 4.
4 hours left and then I'm having
Mimosas for breakfast.
Happy birthday, me.
Last year of your 30s.
Here's hoping it's your last
Stationary year.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Seven days late

I thought
I was still
Young enough
For the one thing
But maybe
Actually
I might be
Old enough
For the other.
It still
Hasn't come
But I tested
Clean.
I celebrated
With drinks.
Forgot
Panicked
Plans.
A negative
Can be such
A positive.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Adulting

I put them on the bus
Check the mail
Apply the makeup
Feed the cat
Seek out
All the wrong patches
To mend a tear
In my already deflated soul.
Make coffee.

I feel the crashing down
The cracking the breaking
The tearing and rending
Suffocating strain.
The shattering of the universe
That no one in the world
Acknowledges.

I make the dinner
Run the bath
Help with taxes
Fall into blackness
Watch some Cheers.

I can't
Anymore
But I have to.

Is this all
Adult life is?



Tuesday, February 16, 2016

he's home

standing there
eye shut
with my forehead
pressed to the wall
i listened to
his sleep mouth breathing
in the afternoon
work shoes on
jacket still on
unopened mail splayed
across his tummy
immediately
dead on arrival
i had no one
again.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Ours

Here's some
Frustration. Relic.
Seed to continue
Where our foremothers
Left off.
Never surrender.
Never give up the fight.
Reviled.
Imprisoned.
Died.
As I sit comfortably
In my age
Watching the tide come in
To snatch it back
From under our
Indifferent
Noses.

Monday, November 2, 2015

something

it's a chore,
man,
finding the something.
the something
i have no good words for.
the something that
prods me forward
when i'm stalling out
and sleepwalking.
the something that
pings back at lonely 3am
when i'm convinced
there's no one but me.
the something that finds me
sees me through crowds of no one.
i'm tired of searching
through nothing
with nothing in sight
just stuck in this perpetual
thick and frustrated night
keeping my own heart beating.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Night Daydream

I could go to bed.
Sure.
If I wasn't so busy
Dancing in the dark
Drinking in the corner of the kitchen
Lipsynching to Journey.

I'm feeling more me
Than usual
And more alone
Than I am.

Other people's
Projected thoughts
Are getting me angry.

Other people's
Stupid lives

I'm dreaming before sleep,
Inventing actual souls
To play with,
To create a space of meaning
Around me.

I'm talking to the air
Staring through the walls
Wondering where I really am
And why and when and whaaaaat.

A flip of the switch

Things are going well
I said
exhausted and relieved after the party.
I told him
I haven't felt this good in
I can't remember how long,
and it was true
at that moment.

The house is clean
the kids are
happy, healthy
and we are financially
stable.

We feel like grown ups.
Finally.

Empty feelings creep on me
when I'm not watching
not expecting the switch to flip
amidst all of this
being content.

I'm a broken fucking record
Says me to...me
Very aware of how stupid I sound.
I'm sick of it,
imagine how everyone else feels.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Hello?

I speak so easy
Quietly, from my own mind.
Are you listening?

I hear your brain.

Telepathy is
Sort of a thing, in a way.
With the right person.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Not so shiny tonight

In my bleaker moments
I get a peek
At the obvious hopelessness
Of everything
Of existence
The horrible void
How dull it all is on the surface
How dull it still is a few layers down
Digging deeper for naught
Just feels like masturbation
What is right, or good, or real
Is anything there outside my own mind
Is it even worth the bother
Who am I even writing this for
And who do I think will care.

Not a fucking soul.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

French Movie

How do I express this
I touch my neck and feel
Pressure
Hear the music and feel
Breathless
The warm yellow light and
Beautiful shadows
Make me love make me
Love the world
I'm going to sleep and
Dream this out.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

100 Proof

I pour it down
Drink the drinks
I'm open, needy
Left alone and alone and alone
The only soul left awake
Every nerve alive
Screaming with feeling
And lonely endings
I am the only one
Here.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Skeptic Jr.

"mom,"
she woke me,
"magic
isn't
real."

i didn't respond
at first
confused
proud and sad.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Had to buy new bed sheets

I dug a hole with my toes
Into the last ones
Apparently.
I don't recall doing this.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Hushhhhh

Stillness speaks loudest
The forces of my nature
Communicate in thought
Can't you hear?
The words get caught
In the small of the funnel
Until there's nothing but
Quiet energy
Hear my silence
Hear it
Feel it

Thursday, May 28, 2015

TBT poem

written about 9 or 10 years ago? eeesh, i can't remember.
__________________________________

the sound of a million
screaming gods
couldn’t clear my head now.
better judgment,
the imposing father of reality,
i know you’re there
but leave me to this
discordant soul song tonight
drunk and alone and praying to
every idealistic memory i let fall
those lovely images of hell
abandoned for comfort and convenience
when it’s this sweet instability
that’s always justified my existence.
the awkward tragedy of love.

Friday, May 22, 2015

Amélie

The French pours through
Between my ears
Piano love through my soul
Reds and yellows and blacks
Irreverent beauty
My limbs get loose
Eyes drain
At the vulnerable girl
On screen
So much more
Everything
More lovely than I
Carrying a garden gnome
Under her jacket.

Monday, April 6, 2015

Reading other people's poetry

I read things that affect me
Deeply
Things that may be secrets.
I see all these
Undisguised words
(Unlike mine).
Raw thoughts.
Painful words.

I've had those thoughts.
Have them.
I read these things
That I've felt so hard,
Maddening
Unrelenting
Despair.
And I can't respond.

I feel a mental loneliness
When I'm the only one
In my head.
Maybe that's
A little crazy.
Yeah.
Probably.

But reading this
I feel as if
Maybe I'm in someone else's
Head.
I'm a ghost,
A bystander
To another's pain.
I'm here
Whether I'm seen
Or not.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Be

What I want
Is an abstract
Unclear destination
Vision out of focus
I'll know it when I feel it
I hope.

What I want
Is what every soul
should need
What it can't live without
But what can't mine?

Why am I?
I'd search for an answer
But I'm so tired of
Being wrong
Sick of the wasted journey.

I'm here to exist
Quiet and meditative
I'll sit silent and mysterious
As if I've already found my
Nirvana.

I
Will
Just
Be.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

:(

There's times
We're both present
We both exist
In the same reality.
We can really
See each other.
But normally
Most days
I just feel like
Very annoying
Furniture.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Quiet

The more I say, the more I regret saying
So I don't say anymore.
I keep it.
I erase it.
I let things move along without me
And just work within my own bubble.
This is working out
For everyone,
I just need to stop worrying
Whether or not I still exist.
Just keep on keeping on.
Just shut up and be.
Hold still
hush up
and let them pass.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Mindless Transformation

I am so
Sober
I don't know what to do.

I get to sleep
At a decent hour.

I eat right
And exercise
And make the dinner.

I don't care where my
Spark had gone
Am mildly worried
It may have gone out.

I clean and I
Work and I
Read bedtime stories.

Nothing is fun
But nothing is horrible.
I don't read I don't write
I just try not to think
Too deeply
Try not to
Want anything
Try not to dream.

I drink my morning coffee
And I go back to bed
Try for a magical 8 hours
In any combination
Try not to try
Listen to the message
On repeat
You can be better
You will be better
You have to be better
Than this.

Once I fix me
The rest has to fall into place.

Right?