Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Seven days late

I thought
I was still
Young enough
For the one thing
But maybe
Actually
I might be
Old enough
For the other.
It still
Hasn't come
But I tested
Clean.
I celebrated
With drinks.
Forgot
Panicked
Plans.
A negative
Can be such
A positive.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Adulting

I put them on the bus
Check the mail
Apply the makeup
Feed the cat
Seek out
All the wrong patches
To mend a tear
In my already deflated soul.
Make coffee.

I feel the crashing down
The cracking the breaking
The tearing and rending
Suffocating strain.
The shattering of the universe
That no one in the world
Acknowledges.

I make the dinner
Run the bath
Help with taxes
Fall into blackness
Watch some Cheers.

I can't
Anymore
But I have to.

Is this all
Adult life is?



Tuesday, February 16, 2016

he's home

standing there
eye shut
with my forehead
pressed to the wall
i listened to
his sleep mouth breathing
in the afternoon
work shoes on
jacket still on
unopened mail splayed
across his tummy
immediately
dead on arrival
i had no one
again.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Ours

Here's some
Frustration. Relic.
Seed to continue
Where our foremothers
Left off.
Never surrender.
Never give up the fight.
Reviled.
Imprisoned.
Died.
As I sit comfortably
In my age
Watching the tide come in
To snatch it back
From under our
Indifferent
Noses.

Monday, January 18, 2016

All these distractions

I've driven everyone away
And taken two steps back
On fucking purpose.
To show life
I will do what
I want to do
Regardless of what
Is right
Is good
Is expected.
I know I'll end
Like everyone else --

What in the fuck
Is that beeping sound

I'll end
And be forgotten
For the most part
By most people
And

Oh my god
That beeping
It is killing me
Is that the dryer
What the fuck...

Anyways.

All these fucking
Distractions, man.

I can't even angst.

Monday, November 2, 2015

something

it's a chore,
man,
finding the something.
the something
i have no good words for.
the something that
prods me forward
when i'm stalling out
and sleepwalking.
the something that
pings back at lonely 3am
when i'm convinced
there's no one but me.
the something that finds me
sees me through crowds of no one.
i'm tired of searching
through nothing
with nothing in sight
just stuck in this perpetual
thick and frustrated night
keeping my own heart beating.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Night Daydream

I could go to bed.
Sure.
If I wasn't so busy
Dancing in the dark
Drinking in the corner of the kitchen
Lipsynching to Journey.

I'm feeling more me
Than usual
And more alone
Than I am.

Other people's
Projected thoughts
Are getting me angry.

Other people's
Stupid lives

I'm dreaming before sleep,
Inventing actual souls
To play with,
To create a space of meaning
Around me.

I'm talking to the air
Staring through the walls
Wondering where I really am
And why and when and whaaaaat.

A flip of the switch

Things are going well
I said
exhausted and relieved after the party.
I told him
I haven't felt this good in
I can't remember how long,
and it was true
at that moment.

The house is clean
the kids are
happy, healthy
and we are financially
stable.

We feel like grown ups.
Finally.

Empty feelings creep on me
when I'm not watching
not expecting the switch to flip
amidst all of this
being content.

I'm a broken fucking record
Says me to...me
Very aware of how stupid I sound.
I'm sick of it,
imagine how everyone else feels.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Hello?

I speak so easy
Quietly, from my own mind.
Are you listening?

I hear your brain.

Telepathy is
Sort of a thing, in a way.
With the right person.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Not so shiny tonight

In my bleaker moments
I get a peek
At the obvious hopelessness
Of everything
Of existence
The horrible void
How dull it all is on the surface
How dull it still is a few layers down
Digging deeper for naught
Just feels like masturbation
What is right, or good, or real
Is anything there outside my own mind
Is it even worth the bother
Who am I even writing this for
And who do I think will care.

Not a fucking soul.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

French Movie

How do I express this
I touch my neck and feel
Pressure
Hear the music and feel
Breathless
The warm yellow light and
Beautiful shadows
Make me love make me
Love the world
I'm going to sleep and
Dream this out.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

100 Proof

I pour it down
Drink the drinks
I'm open, needy
Left alone and alone and alone
The only soul left awake
Every nerve alive
Screaming with feeling
And lonely endings
I am the only one
Here.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Skeptic Jr.

"mom,"
she woke me,
"magic
isn't
real."

i didn't respond
at first
confused
proud and sad.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Had to buy new bed sheets

I dug a hole with my toes
Into the last ones
Apparently.
I don't recall doing this.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Hushhhhh

Stillness speaks loudest
The forces of my nature
Communicate in thought
Can't you hear?
The words get caught
In the small of the funnel
Until there's nothing but
Quiet energy
Hear my silence
Hear it
Feel it

Thursday, May 28, 2015

TBT poem

written about 9 or 10 years ago? eeesh, i can't remember.
__________________________________

the sound of a million
screaming gods
couldn’t clear my head now.
better judgment,
the imposing father of reality,
i know you’re there
but leave me to this
discordant soul song tonight
drunk and alone and praying to
every idealistic memory i let fall
those lovely images of hell
abandoned for comfort and convenience
when it’s this sweet instability
that’s always justified my existence.
the awkward tragedy of love.

Friday, May 22, 2015

Amélie

The French pours through
Between my ears
Piano love through my soul
Reds and yellows and blacks
Irreverent beauty
My limbs get loose
Eyes drain
At the vulnerable girl
On screen
So much more
Everything
More lovely than I
Carrying a garden gnome
Under her jacket.

Monday, April 6, 2015

Reading other people's poetry

I read things that affect me
Deeply
Things that may be secrets.
I see all these
Undisguised words
(Unlike mine).
Raw thoughts.
Painful words.

I've had those thoughts.
Have them.
I read these things
That I've felt so hard,
Maddening
Unrelenting
Despair.
And I can't respond.

I feel a mental loneliness
When I'm the only one
In my head.
Maybe that's
A little crazy.
Yeah.
Probably.

But reading this
I feel as if
Maybe I'm in someone else's
Head.
I'm a ghost,
A bystander
To another's pain.
I'm here
Whether I'm seen
Or not.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Be

What I want
Is an abstract
Unclear destination
Vision out of focus
I'll know it when I feel it
I hope.

What I want
Is what every soul
should need
What it can't live without
But what can't mine?

Why am I?
I'd search for an answer
But I'm so tired of
Being wrong
Sick of the wasted journey.

I'm here to exist
Quiet and meditative
I'll sit silent and mysterious
As if I've already found my
Nirvana.

I
Will
Just
Be.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

:(

There's times
We're both present
We both exist
In the same reality.
We can really
See each other.
But normally
Most days
I just feel like
Very annoying
Furniture.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Quiet

The more I say, the more I regret saying
So I don't say anymore.
I keep it.
I erase it.
I let things move along without me
And just work within my own bubble.
This is working out
For everyone,
I just need to stop worrying
Whether or not I still exist.
Just keep on keeping on.
Just shut up and be.
Hold still
hush up
and let them pass.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Mindless Transformation

I am so
Sober
I don't know what to do.

I get to sleep
At a decent hour.

I eat right
And exercise
And make the dinner.

I don't care where my
Spark had gone
Am mildly worried
It may have gone out.

I clean and I
Work and I
Read bedtime stories.

Nothing is fun
But nothing is horrible.
I don't read I don't write
I just try not to think
Too deeply
Try not to
Want anything
Try not to dream.

I drink my morning coffee
And I go back to bed
Try for a magical 8 hours
In any combination
Try not to try
Listen to the message
On repeat
You can be better
You will be better
You have to be better
Than this.

Once I fix me
The rest has to fall into place.

Right?

Saturday, December 20, 2014

end of year limbo

i'm in this compromise
with reality
where feeling relieved
but still mildly uncomfortable
still translates into good. fine.
i don't know what else to say.
the itch is gone
but i still have the urge to scratch.

the people are disappearing
slowly from my dreams
and there's a voice in here that notices this
but it's buried so deep and far away
i hardly care.
and they hardly care.
i can tell.

okay but small
is how it is
if anyone wanted to know.
can't complain
but
can't feel the sun.
if anyone is even listening
everything feels like nothing.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

trying by not trying

leaving it alone
grows on me.

if i ignore my obsessions
for long enough
they become the things
that i'm putting off
instead of that compulsion
that i'm giving in to.

i've wrapped comfort around me
and over my eyes.
sometimes a cocoon feels right.
like i'm
sleeping
recharging
regaining HP.

i don't need to worry
over things that aren't things.
i don't need to carry
these doubts on my shoulders.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Damn, I love to sleep

I'm tired
And nothing can ease
This useless worry
Like the warm promise
Of a long sleep
The release of drifting down
Into the soft folds
Of dreams
Buried beneath a mess of blankets
Surrendering to darkness
Fade out
Fade
Out
Faaaade

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Stupid list (or, Observations of Things That Suck)


  • Time constraints
  • Apathy and numbness during a picturesque fall afternoon
  • The loneliness of living in a world where telepathy isn't a thing
  • Caring about things that may not exist
  • These socks are very soft and pretty but do not keep my feet warm -- useless
  • Everything is always the same. Even when it's not... really, it still is
  • The discomfort of not knowing
  • Everything is so heavy
  • Too much time spent working toward an elusive Something, not enough time spent soaking in moments that are real
  • This list feels stupid

Friday, October 31, 2014

Don't

I know
I've been away
For a decade
And don't know shit
Or whether she's worth
All your trouble.
I want you to know
Without having to admit
How creepy I am
For reading your thoughts
Quietly
For the past five years
But you scared me today.
Goddammit.
I'd miss you.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

My Own Space

Forced union
So done with the
Smallness
Pull away from
The invasive nature
Of We
There's a room in my mind
The basement of my mind
Filled with MY things
My music and art
My thoughts and want
No one can touch
No one can enter
I hold onto this rubbish
The beautiful garbage
As long as I wish
Obsess
Go mad
I need room
To grow my
Filthy heart.

Friday, October 17, 2014

fin

The loves
Horrors
The aches, the pains
The highs
The lows
The lazy easy mornings
Boring moments
Comforting thoughts
Trauma and panic
All the stuff that is
So much life
Will be done with
Sometime
The curtains will close
You'll breath your last
Let go
It's done
And there's nothing more
To do but
Give in
That had to be enough
'Cause it's too late
For any more
The movie's over
The end.