still

I want the

lovely illusions

dancing in my head

finding life

while the world

continued to crumble

around me.

I miss

the beginnings

where I was

beautiful and

happy and

didn't wonder

things I couldn't

voice.

I need

it

back. 

tuned out

I'm so tired

of not being enough

of being too much

no connection

no communication

I'm still here

still the same me

still tuned to the same station

that I've spent most of my life

tuned into alone

sending out cryptic messages

like a shortwave numbers station

waiting for someone

to decode me

but all anyone ever hears

eventually

it's just nonsense.

unsent

these neverending conversations

in my head are driving me insane

I wrote it out

chopped into digestible fragments

wrung my head into sad little words

which can't show this whole universe

whirling round but contained inside

sitting by maddeningly quiet

at ten, when there's no one to tell

for four more hours

when I'll decide it's too much

hold onto my beautiful dreams

and sleep.