diffusing a bomb

as I'm slamming doors &

cursing existence, I 

~grudgingly~

replay this thought of a 

wiser, calmer self, 

sighing in the back

"expectations are only

resentments 

waiting to happen."

(delivered in a 

condescending

sing-song)

I have no idea how or when

that sentiment burrowed in,

which inspirational garbage heap

this quote was salvaged from, yet 

here it is, regardless.

ahhh...

I'm still throwing things

but breathing, 

allowing the uncaring 

current of events to

carry me screaming 

toward certain failure

thank you,

Wiser Jenny,

you're so right!

just kick back, let go

of what you can't change

& allow the whims of

assholes to dictate the 

course of your life

just breathe...

relax...

(don't hurt anyone)

First Reformed

Ethan pours himself a death

& wraps himself in wire,

suffering to deflect his

desire (I think, there's really 

no difference)

but in the end, as in life,

love reigns over god

alright, but

I'll watch anything

starring Ethan Hawke.

it's taken me four nights

to get through this movie,

I pour out my death &

go to bed.

First Reformed

⭐⭐⭐½

dreaming small

if I disappear just a bit

into a ready-made story

(not that I could, but if)

erase enough of me that 

they quit digging on

exposed nerves &

I could not be found

well, then

life would be grand

I'd drink my coffee

after dinner, curl into 

the night alone to

read & sleep without

dreaming big

rinse & repeat

this is me, but

we love our big ideas

of self, flickering,

burning projections,

stories cast with us,

words written for us

but what character, then,

am I?

the ill-fated mother of

every fairy tale heroine,

only a beloved memory

a naive orphan wandering

the forest, serenading 

woodland creatures

a dark sorceress,

terrifying, commanding,

bitter to the beauty of youth

the feral warrior princess

fighting for nature,

renouncing humanity 

a spectral grin

teasing from the trees, 

spouting mad misdirection 

or, just

peaceful & small, 

wanting only a smoke,

a bit of adventure &

~hopefully~

a second breakfast