torch

it's had time to burn

to flicker, aching

while bound & breaking

buried under silence

thriving on meager

crumbs of memory

surviving, though

hope misplaced

a smoldering glow

behind hidden tears

still holding space

through passing years

this flame ignited

folded in his arms &

keeps me warm in hopes

I find my way back

substitute synonym

I believe we appear 

jointly attractive

I thought your sneakers

were not vegan friendly

he's an ersatz man

implied height from his

platform shoes 

easy appearances 

are all convoluted

seems in his salad days 

but really quite wilted

he entered the world

with a disposable spork

in his face hole

(this is what happens when I can't sleep at 4am and get the great idea to rewrite song lyrics to say the exact same thing, only stupider...all because the word "ersatz" had been mysteriously clanging around in my head)

getting through

Breathe. 

Drink water.

Stretch & move

(okay, stop moving

that hurt).

Rest.

Ice.

Compress.

Elevate.

Take a shower

Scrub, shave, condition.

Moisturize!

Deodorize!

Perfume &

apply war paint. 

Don't drink, 

don't smoke

(what do you do?)

Subtle withdrawal

symptoms follow,

(must drink

endless coffee).

Journal & reflect.

Dream & set goals.

Prioritize!

Visualize!

Check internal dialogue 

(it says

this is all

pointless).

Nam Myoho 

Renge Kyo, 

on a loop,

under breath

(so no one knows

you've been dabbling).

Guided meditation. 

Binaural delta waves.

Sleep hypnosis. 

Subliminal reprogramming.

Lofi hip hop?

Sleep!

Just fucking SLEEP! 

(sigh)

Trying is

exhausting.

here goes

started meds

today

hoping

they allow me

to experience

(oh)

any 

fucking 

thing

without this 

impulse

to vomit 

from my eyes

first thing

untangled

spit from sleep to 

blaring lightness

a blinding scream

unfolding

placing dreams

still rebellious 

back into cages

unwary

holding no caution

under my skin to the

notes of his song

unguarded

from dangle & pull,

I yawn echoes into the

safety of a morning