end of year limbo

i'm in this compromise
with reality
where feeling relieved
but still mildly uncomfortable
still translates into good. fine.
i don't know what else to say.
the itch is gone
but i still have the urge to scratch.

the people are disappearing
slowly from my dreams
and there's a voice in here that notices this
but it's buried so deep and far away
i hardly care.
and they hardly care.
i can tell.

okay but small
is how it is
if anyone wanted to know.
can't complain
but
can't feel the sun.
if anyone is even listening
everything feels like nothing.

trying by not trying

leaving it alone
grows on me.

if i ignore my obsessions
for long enough
they become the things
that i'm putting off
instead of that compulsion
that i'm giving in to.

i've wrapped comfort around me
and over my eyes.
sometimes a cocoon feels right.
like i'm
sleeping
recharging
regaining HP.

i don't need to worry
over things that aren't things.
i don't need to carry
these doubts on my shoulders.

Damn, I love to sleep

I'm tired
And nothing can ease
This useless worry
Like the warm promise
Of a long sleep
The release of drifting down
Into the soft folds
Of dreams
Buried beneath a mess of blankets
Surrendering to darkness
Fade out
Fade
Out
Faaaade

Stupid list (or, Observations of Things That Suck)

• Time constraints
• Apathy and numbness during a picturesque fall afternoon
• The loneliness of living in a world where telepathy isn't a thing
• Caring about things that may not exist
• These socks are very soft and pretty but do not keep my feet warm -- useless
• Everything is always the same. Even when it's not... really, it still is
• The discomfort of not knowing
• Everything is so heavy
• Too much time spent working toward an elusive Something, not enough time spent soaking in moments that are real
• This list feels stupid

Don't

I know
I've been away
For a decade
And don't know shit
Or whether she's worth
All your trouble.
I want you to know
Without having to admit
How creepy I am
For reading your thoughts
Quietly
For the past five years
But you scared me today.
Goddammit.
I'd miss you.

My Own Space

Forced union
So done with the
Smallness
Pull away from
The invasive nature
Of We
There's a room in my mind
The basement of my mind
Filled with MY things
My music and art
My thoughts and want
No one can touch
No one can enter
I hold onto this rubbish
The beautiful garbage
As long as I wish
Obsess
Go mad
I need room
To grow my
Filthy heart.

fin

The loves
Horrors
The aches, the pains
The highs
The lows
The lazy easy mornings
Boring moments
Comforting thoughts
Trauma and panic
All the stuff that is
So much life
Will be done with
Sometime
The curtains will close
You'll breath your last
Let go
It's done
And there's nothing more
To do but
Give in
That had to be enough
'Cause it's too late
For any more
The movie's over
The end.

Not here

We're sheltered here
In wombs of ignorance
Living in virtual time
Aloft
Aloof
Worrying over
Trans fats
GMOs
Fucking gluten
While thousands
Bleed from their eyes
Suffer
Die.
The distance
Serving as shelter
Is more than just space
It's a border
A wall made of differences
'Round our egocentric
Ugly
Collective
Core

Stop it

One day
I'm just going to stop
Stop talking
Stop listening
Stop caring
And just do for me.
One day
I will say
Fuck You All.
No one should be allowed
To have such power
Over how I feel.
Stepping on my back
Pushing me down
To lift yourself higher.
Stop pointing out
How goddam imperfect I am
And then patting yourself
On the back
Asshole.
I'm not perfect.
I'm not strong enough
To withstand
What you're throwing.
Don't you understand?
You're kicking someone
Who's already down
To feed your
Ugly ego.

In movies

In movies
All these everyday happenings
They're magic
Small gestures
Hold meaning
Foreshadow
Huge implications
But here
Off camera
Things happen
In dull shades of brown
Every act
Is selfish
Empty
Insignificant
What I'd give
To see fate
Up close
Zoom and pause
At appropriate times
So I'd know
Those beautiful moments
Subtle mysteries
That change everything
I could savor
Record them
Before they're lost

Athena

Drink the poison
Dwell on the past
Take some of those
Pointless online quizzes
To convince me that I'm
Fucking
Athena
And now I'm
Completely alone
Inside and out
Traveling back
Making different choices
Would it have really mattered
Made a difference
Or would I still be drunk
Somewhere else
On a couch
Alone
Wondering
What if.

2:43

We're there
Awake or asleep
The space between
Is occupied and full
Alternate realities
Play out during real time
Dreams are real
Built upon
Lived
Sentiments echoed in my head
Am I mad
I don't want to know.

sentinel

i'm always watching
in the ways
i want to be watched
quiet in the wee hours
drunk and drunk and drunk
feeling the barrage
through my headphones
and watching
the names the faces
weave in and out of the now
here and gone
poof

1:28

sometimes
i'm just a patchwork
of dead souls
i've only known
through art.

drained

jumping down the hole
though the bottom is unknown
there is a calling
from below
down here there is no choice

swirling down the drain
and she's spitting out words
words
as she rounds the void
as if words could save anyone

tossing out shining hooks
in the dark
for blind cave fish

insulated in their wombs,
her pale allies
have lost
their eyes
before she lost
control.

go on with it

the race will continue forever
she's not worried
about not seeing
the end.

Choice

There is infinite possibilities
Worlds and lives
I live in each
learning to make past choices
absorbing each moment
tattooing instructions
onto my soul
so that next time
next time
I'll make it right.

It's not that easy
though
is it.

There's only one choice.
The one made.

It's the joke
to wonder
what if.

Sister Jude

To give up
Let the waters rush in
Relinquish control and let it all
Wash over
See time stretch out
Meet those old friends
You've been so ashamed of
Wrap up tight in a
Cocoon of delusion
Really feel the beautiful despair
How it's meant to be felt
Be at home with madness
So free and horrible
The gift if
Total clarity.

One of these days
I'm gonna
Fly my ass right
Outta here.

Feely dream

Another dream
I was reluctant to leave
Spinning spinning
In the grass
Having someone's beer
Raising my arms to the sun
Being watched
Falling falling
Lying down
Next to you.

Stupid Fucking Game

What if this is all a game
That everyone is taking
Too seriously
Because no one knows that
Hey
It's just a stupid game.

Is it really so terrible
To stop playing
Once we've had enough?

Playing Monopoly is only fun
When you're winning.
Once you're so behind
And losing miserably
It's just irritating watching
The lucky other players
Enjoy themselves when it's clear
That you will never come out
On top or even close.

And it's taking
So fucking long
And they say they want you
To keep playing
That it's just for fun
But you're not having fun
Anymore.

It's just a fucking game.

recurring dream place

when i sleep tonight
i know where i'm going.
there's this little
italian restaurant
closed, aged, and broken
shattered windows
sitting alone and neglected
in a field of broken asphalt.
it's made entirely
from my mind
exists only in the dark rain
of my dreams.
i'll be there
as always
sitting under the tree beside
waiting with my bags
around my feet
basking in the moonlight
hopeful.

Beep beep beep beeeeeeeee

A gulf
A cool off
A silence

As if someone's
Hung up
A lonely dial tone
Redial
Redial
Redial

In bed

The sheets have a weird
Burnt smell
I washed them
Yesterday
And they smell
Burnt

I'm still lying
In them
Willing my hands
Away from my phone
It's 2:14 in the afternoon
I haven't showered
Am still in
Pajama
Pants

I'm making
Mental lists
Of how to be
Healthy
How to feel
Normal
Imagine myself
Outside
I feel healthier
Already

I'm still lying
On the burnt smelling sheets
Hand still on phone
Waiting for me
To do something
Like it's up to
Some other power
To puppet me around

I can hear the
JG Wentworth commercial
From down the hall
I'm irritated that
I'm singing the phone number
After it's over.

My fingernails
Are
Dirty.

My hair even
Feels gray.

It's easy
Focusing on
Small things

Tiny
Imperfections

Ignoring the obvious
Weight of life
Keeping me
In Bed.

The Monster

It's a dark and windowless room
With a monster that you can
Hardly see
Though you can feel it
Salivating, 

Leering,

Planning to devour you whole.
You don't want to be
Alone with it.
The only door
Won't let you out
And only allows
The vampires in
If you invite them.

Some of the people
At the door
Asking to be let in,
They can't see the monster,
Don't believe in the monster,
Try to convince you that
The monster
Is not really there.
No.
I'm sorry,
Leave, please.

There are the people
That humor you
Ask to be let in
And comfort you like a child
Afraid of the Boogeyman,
Make up ways to
Un-see the monster
That is still seething in the corner.
Thank you,
But,
You don't understand.

Then there are those who,
Inexplicably,
Have been residing in this room all along
Sitting quietly in another corner, unnoticed.
They can see the monster.
They're terrified, too.
You know the monster is stronger than
All of you combined,
But maybe
Maybe
Together
You can start to search for
A way out.

Fighting the urge to end this a la Monster at the End of This Book. "I, lovable, furry old GROVER, am the Monster at the end of this book. And you were so SCARED!"

Lazy pretender

I woke up late this morning
Because it's a Sunday
And no work
But then
I just laid there
Eyes shut
Pretending
For hours
While the room
Grew warmer
And my daughter complained
And my boyfriend
Tried to snuggle
My unresponsive side.
The longer my eyes
Stayed closed
I could still see my dream
And the dusty colors of the world
Remained out.

Last night's dream was SHIT, I tell you.

I stood quietly
tears hidden
watching them laugh
to themselves.

Such a miserable display,
I could no longer speak
no longer bring my eyes
from the floor.

I was mistaken.
Horribly.
Miserably.

My half-soul
lay gasping for air
breathing it's last.
Finally destroyed.

I was empty.
So bare.
So ugly.

Powerless
cut down
completely
insignificant.

Just keep swimming

I'm swimming in the middle of the ocean
Getting tired
Waiting for a boat or a plane to see me
Waiting for my rescue

Occasionally
I find something to float on
And look at the clouds, thinking
Okay, maybe this is not so bad

I let myself relax
Relieved, sleep
And wake to find
I have rolled back into the water
And there is nothing now
Nothing
To keep me afloat.

I think to myself
It might be easier
To let myself sink
I'm so tired
And no one is looking for me.

I tread water and scream
Wait for the arrival
Of a boat, a plane
Or even
Just another soul
Lost at sea.

lurking in my lerkim, frustrated

i want to say something
say i'm lonely, i'm bored
without seeming weak
or silly
or attention seeking.
i want to be a part of it
a part of anything tonight.
a discussion
inside joke
an argument, even.
just something.
instead i quietly read
other conversations
too afraid of joining
where i'm not wanted
because, face it
(i tell myself)
i'm never really wanted.
i'm terrified that i have
nothing to say
nothing that anyone wants to hear.
i will always always be
lurking around the outside
with no way in.

Flip Flop

One moment
I am the bright and shiny
center of the fucking universe
radiating pure badassery
from my very soul.

The next
I am a whimpering nothing
a drag on everyone around me
a pathetic and stupid creature
wondering how anyone could stand
to speak to me, to look at me.
convinced they all take pity
on an obviously lesser human being.

At times I believe
that I am close to others.
friends, family
I am loved and understood,
feel that everyone is somehow
connected to one another
and that I am one
with them all.

At times I am the only human alive
watching puppets around me go through motions
it's all so alien
I don't know if anyone is really having thoughts
or if that's only me, projecting
like a child playing pretend with her dolls.

Home

It's there
Whether or not I speak
Or look up and acknowledge.
But when I do
I get caught
Paralyzed
Unraveled
It's not quite safe
No
But it's quiet.
Beautiful.
Fills my soul.
A place I will visit
When my mind
wanders.
Home.

The land between Down and Bliss

There's a light on in the next yard over
Where there's murmur and shadows moving, life and laughter.
Here is me, listening to sad songs
Drinking my rum
Still and reverent
Being wishful
But glad for the peace.

Only natural

A night of rum and nature documentaries
Of pregnant pauses to reflect
On past lives
People and places that still exist
Growing and moving on
Evolving beyond me
Continuing without me.
I'm digesting this as I watch a
honey badger
eat a cobra.

3am snapshot

This room is all there is.
The humid buggy stillness.
House fan rattling, sucking in the
sticky summer night.
Bare legs bonding
with the brown leather sofa.
Sweet Kahlua lingering
on my lower lip.

Detached

I've lost my Self again.
Everyone else is more real,
More actual
And I can't picture myself
At all.
I have to invent a me,
A new one
That's ill fitting.
This world that felt so full,
It's only full of Things.
And I'm one of them.
A Thing that moves amongst the herd.
Neurons randomly firing
Just trying to make sense of it
This stupid chaos.
Soul is an illusion
And these are only words.

Vigil

As the world sleeps
holds its breath
on pause, until who knows,
forever,
I will tap into
the heads of the sleeping
the minds of the dreaming
the heart of the oblivious
unlock memories from before birth
lying body-less under the stars
knowing. connected, still.
I return every night
keep my lantern lit
and wait.

Black/White

I'm all in
uncomfortably
exposed
longing for eyes
waiting for confirmation
convinced I'm not here
until accepted.

I'm closed
indifferent
unconvinced
willing to
leave the party
alone
because none of this
is real.

I'm all black or white
on or off
yes please
or
no thanks.

Inexpressable

Nothing neatly describes this
but maybe, nearly
the minor melancholy key
a quiet scene on film
lines from a lyric
a scent
a memory.
I save these clippings,
show them around,
even if they go unnoticed.
Somewhere
sometime
another human kept this
and found a way to express it.
I steal from those that have
felt the tragedy of a dream
with no ground in reality.
Nothing need come of it
but the feeling is shown
and digested, and
hopefully
shared.
I've transmitted in the bath
still, concentrating,
sent it with tears
through sleep
through breath
in untranslatable language.
I refuse to shrink down
clean and repackage
into letters and words.
I will project silently
haunt with raw emotion
across realms
through the dark.

Unintentional Eviction

There was a resident
In my head
For a year or more
I don't know
I don't know
But my tenant is gone
Or quiet
Either way
I can't tell if this makes me
Alone and hollow
Our just less crazy
But the withdrawal feels wrong
A calm ache in my soul
As convenient as this is
Much as I thought
This is what I needed
It's not right
And the tenant has moved on
To finer heads
I fear never to return
I'd take the storms and gut-wrench
The painful tingle in my heart
Anyday
Over this ordinary
Nothing.

Thoughts

After a peacetime
I'm always convinced it's done with.
There's a quiet of the mind.
Do and think the right things,
Life requires less effort.
The world shrinks to what can be seen
And nerves are dulled,
Emotional amnesia.
Push away, retreat, resign
Curl up and accept illusion.
It's all there is.

Southern Comfort and God Is An Astronaut

It is after midnight
and I am up drinking
alone
while the house sleeps
and I put on music
to try and force words from me
the right words
a way to capture all this
frustration and sadness
and confusion and melancholia.
Those are just words
they can't bottle any of it.
I can't help coming off sounding trite.
Oh, fuck. Screaming.
Lives move on and time continues to pass
but how could it when I'm still stuck.
Won't someone please
please
reach back and help me
I just can't keep up.
I'm so tired.

Tired

There is a resident in my head
A mirror reflecting what I need
Awake while I'm sleeping
Asleep when I'm waking
Comforting me
By existing
Communicating silently
Keeping my soul warm
When I'm
So cold.
Now it's
My turn to
Sleep.

my bulb burns out quickly

there's a light in the kitchen
in the ceiling fan
that takes these special bulbs
four of them
and one bulb always blows
shortly after being replaced.
it's in the same spot
every time
and i'm sure there's a good reason
for this
and maybe you're reading this
and you know
but i don't
and i'm too lazy to find out
but it shines so bright
for a short amount of time
and then one day
i'll turn it on and sadly
it doesn't all light up
and it casts a partial light
on the room below
and i don't want to be there
anymore
because the room just isn't the same
everything suddenly feels different
until i find a new bulb
and the cycle starts
again.