The Dreaming

I'm a consciousness in a 

void where the depths are 

safe. Each exchange is a 

private internal discussion

with selves of varying faces,

playing out disjointed scenes

to a nonsensical film with no

discernable start or conclusion.

This daily subjugation is welcomed,

embraced with eyes shut, held at

times with a desperation that only

follows a dry absence. I lay still,

begging at times for him to pull me

under, craving the descent into a

delicious sort of madness where I

create myself truthful & new, shed the 

exquisite corpse assembled from

distorted sight, misconceptions, & 

the partial observations of others.

I become energy.

I return to my source.

work

drained of everything & refilled

with noise & hunger, I'm so tired.

withdrawal settles into bones

an ache for a drug barely tasted

& I watch the dark corners for

scenarios. those shadows are

never as deep. the mannequins 

holding brooms, scattered paused

across the floor, are catching breath 

with me, inadvertently stopping time,

holding the moment until the dusty air

begins to tremble, unable to hold the

collective inner screams.

I'm the chairman of the bored

the rain has made its way

into my lungs, cloud cover

blocks the signal & I'm quiet

each car door slam, distant

dog bark, I'm smaller, further,

sinking into the floorboards

indifferent to this simulation,

the perceptual isolation of this

life, removed from all sense

absently chewing on reality, 

arbitrary social contracts, object

permanence, & my lower lip

cursing the homemade roadblocks

frustrating the paths to nirvana,

all the self-fulfilling incapacity

mostly I'm just bored, overthinking

the world, laying around & watching

the fucking Roku screensaver

awake

from routine to dream

this wanted lucidity

pours into spaces

between, 

spills down into 

empty crevices,

saturates with 

substance, 

filling, finding 

dark corners 

left to dust, 

greasing parts 

left to rust,

a flood of sweet

clarity washing

clean the doubts

from the trust

stream-of-thought benadryl haze

my thoughts have 

come untethered 

tonight, 

maybe it's the rain, 

the death, or just the 

lack of little death 

keeping me from 

seeing clearly, 

feeling clearly, 

or just having a 

normal fucking mind

but nothing is so 

simple anymore

nothing as transparent

as me, writing this

trite self-indulgent 

bullshit in place of 

forcing the things 

I promised,

because words are

hard when they're

expected.

wednesday afternoon depersonalization

everything keeps starting, 

stopping, stalling out from 

being pulled in five different 

directions, nothing seems real &

at times, I'm not even tangible 

until I make contact, don't 

exist without that pressure

the weight of another 

until then I'm only an idea

abstract, formless

a wisp of words and dream

ungrounded, watching my 

body float between worlds 

powerless

there's a phenomenon

which brings together

those who would ordinarily 

hide

the sudden shut down of

every distraction, every

convenience, the hum of 

power

they're in the yard now

is it just us, why is this

happening, when will it

end

I'm suddenly starving to

death, there wasn't enough

coffee, how long will this

last

the front rooms, illuminated,

dim then brighten with each 

passing cloud, the air so very

still

an hour has passed & I am certain

this is the end, or the start of the

inevitable zombie apocalypse, send

help

the restoration of our lives, sanity

is estimated for later this evening

DAMMIT, I'll have to shower in the 

dark

someday

**a poem found on my phone's notepad from 7/10/21**

one day I'd like to sit with

someone who knows

that I know that they know

and neither need articulate 

one day I'd like to laugh across a

beer or two without it 

already being my blood

just once, try mushrooms

and not lose my damn head

I'd like to wake up to a

beginning and not prepare for an end

I want to know the

feeling of untethered

connecting only with 

that which fulfills me

those who love me 

make my decisions without guilt

enter the unknown without fear

see my past without regret

imagine the future without dread

love without restraint

live without you

silent film

a slow & silent descent

see to the children

make dinner, wash the

dishes, slide down down

doors shut, eyes closed

rain starts, stops, only

falls for me, only falls

on me, appliances hum

no one is breathing,

hollow comments, 

formalities "it's raining 

again," "I'm so tired"

sit in the drizzle watching

cars pass, digest the quiet 

resting uneasy in the air,

a bland veil of solitude 

blood moon

robed in stained purity

I submit

helpless to this 

crimson satellite

dance blindly to the 

hum of raw life in my veins

under humid glow, she 

draws me close

slips silently into shadow

whispering darkly,

secret tales to 

restless souls

fog

that fog hanging under the moon

is just the smoke exhaled from my

string of spent luckies as I

sigh havoc into the night

it rained earlier & the streetlamp

must be catching mist in the trees,

it's creating glowing pinpoints, fairy

lights that glimmer with the wind

I can hear the North River, though

not visible in the dark, I can tell it's full,

hushing all other sound in a white noise

holding me in trance as I sit, just being

I could stay here till dawn this way

with the fog & the river & twinkle lights

keeping my secrets, surrounding me

with a mystic sense of knowing

space & time

I've turned on my

porch light, I suppose

that's all I can do

the key was left 

under the mat to

my wide open door

invitation extended to

what, I don't know,

space to speak aloud

room for thoughts to

convey outside of

easily mistook riddles

a place to just be

without funneling self into

accepted working form

just space & time to 

connect, no assumptions 

no expectations

the jennybot is malfunctioning

dear universe

please pull this heavy

fucking blanket off

I can't see enough

to make sense of

anything, the air is

just so close

everything happening

all at once, the noise

can't focus, can't care, my

breaker keeps tripping over

every mouth speaking

the sound of the TV

the dull temperature of the air

how can everything feel like

too much but also

nothing

angry beaches

flowing forward, a tide

(despite the world's 

ignorant rip current 

drawing back) 

containing strength as an 

ocean churning in love &

rage, bearers of existence & the 

weight of the entire deep,

rising as one wave, an

impregnable wall of tears

toppling the thieves 

threatening to steal the 

autonomy of the sea

downtime

here's some frustration

caught in an unknown

limbo, running out of

room, out of time

again with this

time & space

nonsense

(the absurdity of this 

neverending sea of

shitting turtles 

I have to deal with)

~in other news~

riddled with a vague

sense that I'm always

making up my own

dance to no music

(I just need a clear

enough song, a beat

some feet to step on

a hand on my back)

(also

fuck these turtles)

lovely lovely morning

storms, clouds

give way to an

after rain clarity,

vivid warmth of

leaves filtering light

into patterns on my

toes while I build

scenes in the sky

between sips of

coffee, humming 

all of me

why not take

all of me

That time I cried through an entire Tori Amos show

I let it all overflow

hiding it with my hair

tears from nearly 

finding the afterworld

in a Lincoln, 

from hearing her voice 

after so long, silent 

all these years &

found beyond 

so many different 

kinds of storms,

grateful for Precious Things

from clearer skies

Holy fuck, we're still alive??

tori wails her

siren song over

my town car speakers

under threat of

tornado

THREE WARNINGS!

TAKE SHELTER!

NOW!

through torrential

downpour

I cry, grip the wheel

& levitate out of myself

my potato copilot lighting

my smokes as we

Thelma & Louised

into the misty abyss

the end

was nigh

just some headspace

these thoughts 

they never

stray far before

I'm back here

throwing feelings

blowing wishes

into the wind

praying they find

their way back

this trust requested 

(never so 

readily given)

has grown

secret tendrils of

hope, before bound

now broken free from

their cynical restraints

silently offering 

all

well, damn

this goes only one way

for days, feel the

soft weight of all the 

thoughts

thoughts that I 

can't read

how did I ever have

you at a disadvantage?

I'm the one with

only my own words to

keep me company

lawless optimism

another soul

who had been down in it

has finally emerged

from their grave

smiling for the new days

despite all else going

unchanged, I received 

my fortune

fuck it

said through a clear

& beaming face

this nihilistic mantra

resonates deep

moving forward with no

trepidation, finding what

sweet chaos the

universe offers next

Fuck it!

we're all hurtling through this 

void, bouncing into one

another, there are no

absolutes, no certainty 

embracing our blindness

choosing to dance in this

dark room rather than

fumble & stumble terrified

FUCK IT!

a little ditty about anxiety

calming

eyes of reassurance

silly for needing that

confirmation

know I'm not just

daydreaming

sleepwalking through

these days left

eternally seeing through

corners of my eyes

now i can

(finally) 

sleep

hush, brain

when it's so

quiet

my sleepy anxious

head begins to

create its scenarios

fears I leaked out

more than was

comfortable 

(as I'm prone to do)

worries I'm seeing

what I want to see

I'll just settle

into my songs &

hope that these

doubts are just

weather 

where I want to be

anticipation of a

day away

has turned into

the glow that I'll

stay regardless

knowing that

nowhere else

do I overflow

beyond myself

sparkle

as I do in the

sanctuary of this

hidden place

meeting

the promise to

revisit all the

poems taken 

too soon

(I'll bathe in those

words until they

fill every

pore)

the thought

there is now an

after

that time

won't stop

once you're 

done

it was enough

tonight

cause to

sing of patience

thru the rain

on home

space cadet

in orbit 

rounding

rounding

eyes magnetized

to each pass

already feeling that

hard pull of gravity

waiting for you to

breathe in

my atmosphere

for the descent

the landing

for you to plant

a flag

or... your calendar

whichever

countdown to raleigh

she and piano

this redheaded love affair

straddling her bench

since age of thirteen

since what if I'm a mermaid

rolling round a box

I've been listening

weeping through me and a gun

screaming blood roses

breathful blanket girls

detuned high and wired keys

can't stop what's coming

I'll ride along side

where'd you put the keys gurl, it's

ginger ninja time

morning melodrama and BIRDS

sleep comes a 

crumb at a time

waking now to the

metal on metal song of

(whatever the hell that bird is

I'm not an ornithologist)

today will be a sleepwalk

morning has been

punctuated with 

ghosts

words who

died between

head and lips

haunting with

assumptions

& doubt

but mostly

it's just 

very loud

birds

4:35

once the thing was put

out there

(waves hand vaguely) 

it makes it so I'm 

seen

my eyes are finally 

caught watching, &

that visibility feels a bit

too revealing to wear

this dam wants to break

& flood the air with all these 

things I want to say

in its own time & space

I'm just not good at this

but I'm trying

frustration while I eat my sammich

I'm so damn bugged

and wary

they are everywhere

listening & watching

I know them, those

ears & mouths I

hardly understand

& so I stay mostly 

mute 

though so many

conversations hide

behind the dam

of my lips

words that will 

eventually

have to pass 

more than

one poem

at

a

time

this might hurt

I've toed the edge

hesitant but impatient 

trying to be safe

hiding my face

terrified of jumping

& not being caught

terrified of waiting

& missing my shot

it's a test of trust

letting myself fall

not knowing how

I will land

onto the rocks

broken amid the 

car parts, bottles

& cutlery

into the safety of

warm water

whole & dancing

in the waves

just let me enjoy

today 

the hope that

I'll survive