Don't

I know
I've been away
For a decade
And don't know shit
Or whether she's worth
All your trouble.
I want you to know
Without having to admit
How creepy I am
For reading your thoughts
Quietly
For the past five years
But you scared me today.
Goddammit.
I'd miss you.

My Own Space

Forced union
So done with the
Smallness
Pull away from
The invasive nature
Of We
There's a room in my mind
The basement of my mind
Filled with MY things
My music and art
My thoughts and want
No one can touch
No one can enter
I hold onto this rubbish
The beautiful garbage
As long as I wish
Obsess
Go mad
I need room
To grow my
Filthy heart.

fin

The loves
Horrors
The aches, the pains
The highs
The lows
The lazy easy mornings
Boring moments
Comforting thoughts
Trauma and panic
All the stuff that is
So much life
Will be done with
Sometime
The curtains will close
You'll breath your last
Let go
It's done
And there's nothing more
To do but
Give in
That had to be enough
'Cause it's too late
For any more
The movie's over
The end.

Not here

We're sheltered here
In wombs of ignorance
Living in virtual time
Aloft
Aloof
Worrying over
Trans fats
GMOs
Fucking gluten
While thousands
Bleed from their eyes
Suffer
Die.
The distance
Serving as shelter
Is more than just space
It's a border
A wall made of differences
'Round our egocentric
Ugly
Collective
Core

Stop it

One day
I'm just going to stop
Stop talking
Stop listening
Stop caring
And just do for me.
One day
I will say
Fuck You All.
No one should be allowed
To have such power
Over how I feel.
Stepping on my back
Pushing me down
To lift yourself higher.
Stop pointing out
How goddam imperfect I am
And then patting yourself
On the back
Asshole.
I'm not perfect.
I'm not strong enough
To withstand
What you're throwing.
Don't you understand?
You're kicking someone
Who's already down
To feed your
Ugly ego.

In movies

In movies
All these everyday happenings
They're magic
Small gestures
Hold meaning
Foreshadow
Huge implications
But here
Off camera
Things happen
In dull shades of brown
Every act
Is selfish
Empty
Insignificant
What I'd give
To see fate
Up close
Zoom and pause
At appropriate times
So I'd know
Those beautiful moments
Subtle mysteries
That change everything
I could savor
Record them
Before they're lost

Athena

Drink the poison
Dwell on the past
Take some of those
Pointless online quizzes
To convince me that I'm
Fucking
Athena
And now I'm
Completely alone
Inside and out
Traveling back
Making different choices
Would it have really mattered
Made a difference
Or would I still be drunk
Somewhere else
On a couch
Alone
Wondering
What if.

2:43

We're there
Awake or asleep
The space between
Is occupied and full
Alternate realities
Play out during real time
Dreams are real
Built upon
Lived
Sentiments echoed in my head
Am I mad
I don't want to know.

sentinel

i'm always watching
in the ways
i want to be watched
quiet in the wee hours
drunk and drunk and drunk
feeling the barrage
through my headphones
and watching
the names the faces
weave in and out of the now
here and gone
poof

1:28

sometimes
i'm just a patchwork
of dead souls
i've only known
through art.

drained

jumping down the hole
though the bottom is unknown
there is a calling
from below
down here there is no choice

swirling down the drain
and she's spitting out words
words
as she rounds the void
as if words could save anyone

tossing out shining hooks
in the dark
for blind cave fish

insulated in their wombs,
her pale allies
have lost
their eyes
before she lost
control.

go on with it

the race will continue forever
she's not worried
about not seeing
the end.

Choice

There is infinite possibilities
Worlds and lives
I live in each
learning to make past choices
absorbing each moment
tattooing instructions
onto my soul
so that next time
next time
I'll make it right.

It's not that easy
though
is it.

There's only one choice.
The one made.

It's the joke
to wonder
what if.

Sister Jude

To give up
Let the waters rush in
Relinquish control and let it all
Wash over
See time stretch out
Meet those old friends
You've been so ashamed of
Wrap up tight in a
Cocoon of delusion
Really feel the beautiful despair
How it's meant to be felt
Be at home with madness
So free and horrible
The gift if
Total clarity.

One of these days
I'm gonna
Fly my ass right
Outta here.

Feely dream

Another dream
I was reluctant to leave
Spinning spinning
In the grass
Having someone's beer
Raising my arms to the sun
Being watched
Falling falling
Lying down
Next to you.

Stupid Fucking Game

What if this is all a game
That everyone is taking
Too seriously
Because no one knows that
Hey
It's just a stupid game.

Is it really so terrible
To stop playing
Once we've had enough?

Playing Monopoly is only fun
When you're winning.
Once you're so behind
And losing miserably
It's just irritating watching
The lucky other players
Enjoy themselves when it's clear
That you will never come out
On top or even close.

And it's taking
So fucking long
And they say they want you
To keep playing
That it's just for fun
But you're not having fun
Anymore.

It's just a fucking game.

recurring dream place

when i sleep tonight
i know where i'm going.
there's this little
italian restaurant
closed, aged, and broken
shattered windows
sitting alone and neglected
in a field of broken asphalt.
it's made entirely
from my mind
exists only in the dark rain
of my dreams.
i'll be there
as always
sitting under the tree beside
waiting with my bags
around my feet
basking in the moonlight
hopeful.

Beep beep beep beeeeeeeee

A gulf
A cool off
A silence

As if someone's
Hung up
A lonely dial tone
Redial
Redial
Redial

In bed

The sheets have a weird
Burnt smell
I washed them
Yesterday
And they smell
Burnt

I'm still lying
In them
Willing my hands
Away from my phone
It's 2:14 in the afternoon
I haven't showered
Am still in
Pajama
Pants

I'm making
Mental lists
Of how to be
Healthy
How to feel
Normal
Imagine myself
Outside
I feel healthier
Already

I'm still lying
On the burnt smelling sheets
Hand still on phone
Waiting for me
To do something
Like it's up to
Some other power
To puppet me around

I can hear the
JG Wentworth commercial
From down the hall
I'm irritated that
I'm singing the phone number
After it's over.

My fingernails
Are
Dirty.

My hair even
Feels gray.

It's easy
Focusing on
Small things

Tiny
Imperfections

Ignoring the obvious
Weight of life
Keeping me
In Bed.

The Monster

It's a dark and windowless room
With a monster that you can
Hardly see
Though you can feel it
Salivating, 

Leering,

Planning to devour you whole.
You don't want to be
Alone with it.
The only door
Won't let you out
And only allows
The vampires in
If you invite them.

Some of the people
At the door
Asking to be let in,
They can't see the monster,
Don't believe in the monster,
Try to convince you that
The monster
Is not really there.
No.
I'm sorry,
Leave, please.

There are the people
That humor you
Ask to be let in
And comfort you like a child
Afraid of the Boogeyman,
Make up ways to
Un-see the monster
That is still seething in the corner.
Thank you,
But,
You don't understand.

Then there are those who,
Inexplicably,
Have been residing in this room all along
Sitting quietly in another corner, unnoticed.
They can see the monster.
They're terrified, too.
You know the monster is stronger than
All of you combined,
But maybe
Maybe
Together
You can start to search for
A way out.

Fighting the urge to end this a la Monster at the End of This Book. "I, lovable, furry old GROVER, am the Monster at the end of this book. And you were so SCARED!"

Lazy pretender

I woke up late this morning
Because it's a Sunday
And no work
But then
I just laid there
Eyes shut
Pretending
For hours
While the room
Grew warmer
And my daughter complained
And my boyfriend
Tried to snuggle
My unresponsive side.
The longer my eyes
Stayed closed
I could still see my dream
And the dusty colors of the world
Remained out.

Last night's dream was SHIT, I tell you.

I stood quietly
tears hidden
watching them laugh
to themselves.

Such a miserable display,
I could no longer speak
no longer bring my eyes
from the floor.

I was mistaken.
Horribly.
Miserably.

My half-soul
lay gasping for air
breathing it's last.
Finally destroyed.

I was empty.
So bare.
So ugly.

Powerless
cut down
completely
insignificant.

Just keep swimming

I'm swimming in the middle of the ocean
Getting tired
Waiting for a boat or a plane to see me
Waiting for my rescue

Occasionally
I find something to float on
And look at the clouds, thinking
Okay, maybe this is not so bad

I let myself relax
Relieved, sleep
And wake to find
I have rolled back into the water
And there is nothing now
Nothing
To keep me afloat.

I think to myself
It might be easier
To let myself sink
I'm so tired
And no one is looking for me.

I tread water and scream
Wait for the arrival
Of a boat, a plane
Or even
Just another soul
Lost at sea.

lurking in my lerkim, frustrated

i want to say something
say i'm lonely, i'm bored
without seeming weak
or silly
or attention seeking.
i want to be a part of it
a part of anything tonight.
a discussion
inside joke
an argument, even.
just something.
instead i quietly read
other conversations
too afraid of joining
where i'm not wanted
because, face it
(i tell myself)
i'm never really wanted.
i'm terrified that i have
nothing to say
nothing that anyone wants to hear.
i will always always be
lurking around the outside
with no way in.

Flip Flop

One moment
I am the bright and shiny
center of the fucking universe
radiating pure badassery
from my very soul.

The next
I am a whimpering nothing
a drag on everyone around me
a pathetic and stupid creature
wondering how anyone could stand
to speak to me, to look at me.
convinced they all take pity
on an obviously lesser human being.

At times I believe
that I am close to others.
friends, family
I am loved and understood,
feel that everyone is somehow
connected to one another
and that I am one
with them all.

At times I am the only human alive
watching puppets around me go through motions
it's all so alien
I don't know if anyone is really having thoughts
or if that's only me, projecting
like a child playing pretend with her dolls.

Home

It's there
Whether or not I speak
Or look up and acknowledge.
But when I do
I get caught
Paralyzed
Unraveled
It's not quite safe
No
But it's quiet.
Beautiful.
Fills my soul.
A place I will visit
When my mind
wanders.
Home.

The land between Down and Bliss

There's a light on in the next yard over
Where there's murmur and shadows moving, life and laughter.
Here is me, listening to sad songs
Drinking my rum
Still and reverent
Being wishful
But glad for the peace.

Only natural

A night of rum and nature documentaries
Of pregnant pauses to reflect
On past lives
People and places that still exist
Growing and moving on
Evolving beyond me
Continuing without me.
I'm digesting this as I watch a
honey badger
eat a cobra.

3am snapshot

This room is all there is.
The humid buggy stillness.
House fan rattling, sucking in the
sticky summer night.
Bare legs bonding
with the brown leather sofa.
Sweet Kahlua lingering
on my lower lip.

Detached

I've lost my Self again.
Everyone else is more real,
More actual
And I can't picture myself
At all.
I have to invent a me,
A new one
That's ill fitting.
This world that felt so full,
It's only full of Things.
And I'm one of them.
A Thing that moves amongst the herd.
Neurons randomly firing
Just trying to make sense of it
This stupid chaos.
Soul is an illusion
And these are only words.

Vigil

As the world sleeps
holds its breath
on pause, until who knows,
forever,
I will tap into
the heads of the sleeping
the minds of the dreaming
the heart of the oblivious
unlock memories from before birth
lying body-less under the stars
knowing. connected, still.
I return every night
keep my lantern lit
and wait.