he's home

standing there
eye shut
with my forehead
pressed to the wall
i listened to
his sleep mouth breathing
in the afternoon
work shoes on
jacket still on
unopened mail splayed
across his tummy
immediately
dead on arrival
i had no one
again.

Ours

Here's some
Frustration. Relic.
Seed to continue
Where our foremothers
Left off.
Never surrender.
Never give up the fight.
Reviled.
Imprisoned.
Died.
As I sit comfortably
In my age
Watching the tide come in
To snatch it back
From under our
Indifferent
Noses.

something

it's a chore,
man,
finding the something.
the something
i have no good words for.
the something that
prods me forward
when i'm stalling out
and sleepwalking.
the something that
pings back at lonely 3am
when i'm convinced
there's no one but me.
the something that finds me
sees me through crowds of no one.
i'm tired of searching
through nothing
with nothing in sight
just stuck in this perpetual
thick and frustrated night
keeping my own heart beating.

Night Daydream

I could go to bed.
Sure.
If I wasn't so busy
Dancing in the dark
Drinking in the corner of the kitchen
Lipsynching to Journey.

I'm feeling more me
Than usual
And more alone
Than I am.

Other people's
Projected thoughts
Are getting me angry.

Other people's
Stupid lives

I'm dreaming before sleep,
Inventing actual souls
To play with,
To create a space of meaning
Around me.

I'm talking to the air
Staring through the walls
Wondering where I really am
And why and when and whaaaaat.

Hello?

I speak so easy
Quietly, from my own mind.
Are you listening?

I hear your brain.

Telepathy is
Sort of a thing, in a way.
With the right person.

Not so shiny tonight

In my bleaker moments
I get a peek
At the obvious hopelessness
Of everything
Of existence
The horrible void
How dull it all is on the surface
How dull it still is a few layers down
Digging deeper for naught
Just feels like masturbation
What is right, or good, or real
Is anything there outside my own mind
Is it even worth the bother
Who am I even writing this for
And who do I think will care.

Not a fucking soul.

100 Proof

I pour it down
Drink the drinks
I'm open, needy
Left alone and alone and alone
The only soul left awake
Every nerve alive
Screaming with feeling
And lonely endings
I am the only one
Here.

Skeptic Jr.

"mom,"
she woke me,
"magic
isn't
real."

i didn't respond
at first
confused
proud and sad.

Had to buy new bed sheets

I dug a hole with my toes
Into the last ones
Apparently.
I don't recall doing this.

Hushhhhh

Stillness speaks loudest
The forces of my nature
Communicate in thought
Can't you hear?
The words get caught
In the small of the funnel
Until there's nothing but
Quiet energy
Hear my silence
Hear it
Feel it

TBT poem

written about 9 or 10 years ago? eeesh, i can't remember.
__________________________________

the sound of a million
screaming gods
couldn’t clear my head now.
better judgment,
the imposing father of reality,
i know you’re there
but leave me to this
discordant soul song tonight
drunk and alone and praying to
every idealistic memory i let fall
those lovely images of hell
abandoned for comfort and convenience
when it’s this sweet instability
that’s always justified my existence.
the awkward tragedy of love.

Amélie

The French pours through
Between my ears
Piano love through my soul
Reds and yellows and blacks
Irreverent beauty
My limbs get loose
Eyes drain
At the vulnerable girl
On screen
So much more
Everything
More lovely than I
Carrying a garden gnome
Under her jacket.

Reading other people's poetry

I read things that affect me
Deeply
Things that may be secrets.
I see all these
Undisguised words
(Unlike mine).
Raw thoughts.
Painful words.

I've had those thoughts.
Have them.
I read these things
That I've felt so hard,
Maddening
Unrelenting
Despair.
And I can't respond.

I feel a mental loneliness
When I'm the only one
In my head.
Maybe that's
A little crazy.
Yeah.
Probably.

But reading this
I feel as if
Maybe I'm in someone else's
Head.
I'm a ghost,
A bystander
To another's pain.
I'm here
Whether I'm seen
Or not.

Be

What I want
Is an abstract
Unclear destination
Vision out of focus
I'll know it when I feel it
I hope.

What I want
Is what every soul
should need
What it can't live without
But what can't mine?

Why am I?
I'd search for an answer
But I'm so tired of
Being wrong
Sick of the wasted journey.

I'm here to exist
Quiet and meditative
I'll sit silent and mysterious
As if I've already found my
Nirvana.

I
Will
Just
Be.

:(

There's times
We're both present
We both exist
In the same reality.
We can really
See each other.
But normally
Most days
I just feel like
Very annoying
Furniture.

Quiet

The more I say, the more I regret saying
So I don't say anymore.
I keep it.
I erase it.
I let things move along without me
And just work within my own bubble.
This is working out
For everyone,
I just need to stop worrying
Whether or not I still exist.
Just keep on keeping on.
Just shut up and be.
Hold still
hush up
and let them pass.

Mindless Transformation

I am so
Sober
I don't know what to do.

I get to sleep
At a decent hour.

I eat right
And exercise
And make the dinner.

I don't care where my
Spark had gone
Am mildly worried
It may have gone out.

I clean and I
Work and I
Read bedtime stories.

Nothing is fun
But nothing is horrible.
I don't read I don't write
I just try not to think
Too deeply
Try not to
Want anything
Try not to dream.

I drink my morning coffee
And I go back to bed
Try for a magical 8 hours
In any combination
Try not to try
Listen to the message
On repeat
You can be better
You will be better
You have to be better
Than this.

Once I fix me
The rest has to fall into place.

Right?

end of year limbo

i'm in this compromise
with reality
where feeling relieved
but still mildly uncomfortable
still translates into good. fine.
i don't know what else to say.
the itch is gone
but i still have the urge to scratch.

the people are disappearing
slowly from my dreams
and there's a voice in here that notices this
but it's buried so deep and far away
i hardly care.
and they hardly care.
i can tell.

okay but small
is how it is
if anyone wanted to know.
can't complain
but
can't feel the sun.
if anyone is even listening
everything feels like nothing.

trying by not trying

leaving it alone
grows on me.

if i ignore my obsessions
for long enough
they become the things
that i'm putting off
instead of that compulsion
that i'm giving in to.

i've wrapped comfort around me
and over my eyes.
sometimes a cocoon feels right.
like i'm
sleeping
recharging
regaining HP.

i don't need to worry
over things that aren't things.
i don't need to carry
these doubts on my shoulders.

Damn, I love to sleep

I'm tired
And nothing can ease
This useless worry
Like the warm promise
Of a long sleep
The release of drifting down
Into the soft folds
Of dreams
Buried beneath a mess of blankets
Surrendering to darkness
Fade out
Fade
Out
Faaaade

Stupid list (or, Observations of Things That Suck)

• Time constraints
• Apathy and numbness during a picturesque fall afternoon
• The loneliness of living in a world where telepathy isn't a thing
• Caring about things that may not exist
• These socks are very soft and pretty but do not keep my feet warm -- useless
• Everything is always the same. Even when it's not... really, it still is
• The discomfort of not knowing
• Everything is so heavy
• Too much time spent working toward an elusive Something, not enough time spent soaking in moments that are real
• This list feels stupid

Don't

I know
I've been away
For a decade
And don't know shit
Or whether she's worth
All your trouble.
I want you to know
Without having to admit
How creepy I am
For reading your thoughts
Quietly
For the past five years
But you scared me today.
Goddammit.
I'd miss you.

My Own Space

Forced union
So done with the
Smallness
Pull away from
The invasive nature
Of We
There's a room in my mind
The basement of my mind
Filled with MY things
My music and art
My thoughts and want
No one can touch
No one can enter
I hold onto this rubbish
The beautiful garbage
As long as I wish
Obsess
Go mad
I need room
To grow my
Filthy heart.

fin

The loves
Horrors
The aches, the pains
The highs
The lows
The lazy easy mornings
Boring moments
Comforting thoughts
Trauma and panic
All the stuff that is
So much life
Will be done with
Sometime
The curtains will close
You'll breath your last
Let go
It's done
And there's nothing more
To do but
Give in
That had to be enough
'Cause it's too late
For any more
The movie's over
The end.

Not here

We're sheltered here
In wombs of ignorance
Living in virtual time
Aloft
Aloof
Worrying over
Trans fats
GMOs
Fucking gluten
While thousands
Bleed from their eyes
Suffer
Die.
The distance
Serving as shelter
Is more than just space
It's a border
A wall made of differences
'Round our egocentric
Ugly
Collective
Core

Stop it

One day
I'm just going to stop
Stop talking
Stop listening
Stop caring
And just do for me.
One day
I will say
Fuck You All.
No one should be allowed
To have such power
Over how I feel.
Stepping on my back
Pushing me down
To lift yourself higher.
Stop pointing out
How goddam imperfect I am
And then patting yourself
On the back
Asshole.
I'm not perfect.
I'm not strong enough
To withstand
What you're throwing.
Don't you understand?
You're kicking someone
Who's already down
To feed your
Ugly ego.

In movies

In movies
All these everyday happenings
They're magic
Small gestures
Hold meaning
Foreshadow
Huge implications
But here
Off camera
Things happen
In dull shades of brown
Every act
Is selfish
Empty
Insignificant
What I'd give
To see fate
Up close
Zoom and pause
At appropriate times
So I'd know
Those beautiful moments
Subtle mysteries
That change everything
I could savor
Record them
Before they're lost

Athena

Drink the poison
Dwell on the past
Take some of those
Pointless online quizzes
To convince me that I'm
Fucking
Athena
And now I'm
Completely alone
Inside and out
Traveling back
Making different choices
Would it have really mattered
Made a difference
Or would I still be drunk
Somewhere else
On a couch
Alone
Wondering
What if.

2:43

We're there
Awake or asleep
The space between
Is occupied and full
Alternate realities
Play out during real time
Dreams are real
Built upon
Lived
Sentiments echoed in my head
Am I mad
I don't want to know.