Beep beep beep beeeeeeeee

A gulf
A cool off
A silence

As if someone's
Hung up
A lonely dial tone
Redial
Redial
Redial

In bed

The sheets have a weird
Burnt smell
I washed them
Yesterday
And they smell
Burnt

I'm still lying
In them
Willing my hands
Away from my phone
It's 2:14 in the afternoon
I haven't showered
Am still in
Pajama
Pants

I'm making
Mental lists
Of how to be
Healthy
How to feel
Normal
Imagine myself
Outside
I feel healthier
Already

I'm still lying
On the burnt smelling sheets
Hand still on phone
Waiting for me
To do something
Like it's up to
Some other power
To puppet me around

I can hear the
JG Wentworth commercial
From down the hall
I'm irritated that
I'm singing the phone number
After it's over.

My fingernails
Are
Dirty.

My hair even
Feels gray.

It's easy
Focusing on
Small things

Tiny
Imperfections

Ignoring the obvious
Weight of life
Keeping me
In Bed.

The Monster

It's a dark and windowless room
With a monster that you can
Hardly see
Though you can feel it
Salivating, 

Leering,

Planning to devour you whole.
You don't want to be
Alone with it.
The only door
Won't let you out
And only allows
The vampires in
If you invite them.

Some of the people
At the door
Asking to be let in,
They can't see the monster,
Don't believe in the monster,
Try to convince you that
The monster
Is not really there.
No.
I'm sorry,
Leave, please.

There are the people
That humor you
Ask to be let in
And comfort you like a child
Afraid of the Boogeyman,
Make up ways to
Un-see the monster
That is still seething in the corner.
Thank you,
But,
You don't understand.

Then there are those who,
Inexplicably,
Have been residing in this room all along
Sitting quietly in another corner, unnoticed.
They can see the monster.
They're terrified, too.
You know the monster is stronger than
All of you combined,
But maybe
Maybe
Together
You can start to search for
A way out.

Fighting the urge to end this a la Monster at the End of This Book. "I, lovable, furry old GROVER, am the Monster at the end of this book. And you were so SCARED!"

Lazy pretender

I woke up late this morning
Because it's a Sunday
And no work
But then
I just laid there
Eyes shut
Pretending
For hours
While the room
Grew warmer
And my daughter complained
And my boyfriend
Tried to snuggle
My unresponsive side.
The longer my eyes
Stayed closed
I could still see my dream
And the dusty colors of the world
Remained out.

Last night's dream was SHIT, I tell you.

I stood quietly
tears hidden
watching them laugh
to themselves.

Such a miserable display,
I could no longer speak
no longer bring my eyes
from the floor.

I was mistaken.
Horribly.
Miserably.

My half-soul
lay gasping for air
breathing it's last.
Finally destroyed.

I was empty.
So bare.
So ugly.

Powerless
cut down
completely
insignificant.

Just keep swimming

I'm swimming in the middle of the ocean
Getting tired
Waiting for a boat or a plane to see me
Waiting for my rescue

Occasionally
I find something to float on
And look at the clouds, thinking
Okay, maybe this is not so bad

I let myself relax
Relieved, sleep
And wake to find
I have rolled back into the water
And there is nothing now
Nothing
To keep me afloat.

I think to myself
It might be easier
To let myself sink
I'm so tired
And no one is looking for me.

I tread water and scream
Wait for the arrival
Of a boat, a plane
Or even
Just another soul
Lost at sea.

lurking in my lerkim, frustrated

i want to say something
say i'm lonely, i'm bored
without seeming weak
or silly
or attention seeking.
i want to be a part of it
a part of anything tonight.
a discussion
inside joke
an argument, even.
just something.
instead i quietly read
other conversations
too afraid of joining
where i'm not wanted
because, face it
(i tell myself)
i'm never really wanted.
i'm terrified that i have
nothing to say
nothing that anyone wants to hear.
i will always always be
lurking around the outside
with no way in.

Flip Flop

One moment
I am the bright and shiny
center of the fucking universe
radiating pure badassery
from my very soul.

The next
I am a whimpering nothing
a drag on everyone around me
a pathetic and stupid creature
wondering how anyone could stand
to speak to me, to look at me.
convinced they all take pity
on an obviously lesser human being.

At times I believe
that I am close to others.
friends, family
I am loved and understood,
feel that everyone is somehow
connected to one another
and that I am one
with them all.

At times I am the only human alive
watching puppets around me go through motions
it's all so alien
I don't know if anyone is really having thoughts
or if that's only me, projecting
like a child playing pretend with her dolls.

Home

It's there
Whether or not I speak
Or look up and acknowledge.
But when I do
I get caught
Paralyzed
Unraveled
It's not quite safe
No
But it's quiet.
Beautiful.
Fills my soul.
A place I will visit
When my mind
wanders.
Home.

The land between Down and Bliss

There's a light on in the next yard over
Where there's murmur and shadows moving, life and laughter.
Here is me, listening to sad songs
Drinking my rum
Still and reverent
Being wishful
But glad for the peace.