i watched a video
today
about growing up
teased.
bullied.
i try to be casual
about this topic.
sure i'm a nerd.
I wear that badge with
pride.
i didn't
however
when i was a kid.
i was the
friendless kid
then.
the awkward girl.
the ugly girl.
the kid that was made to feel
that just her last name
alone
was a
dirty word.
thick glasses.
crooked teeth
overbite and i was
shy.
the teachers
even had a go at me.
well, fuck them.
with something sharp.
who treats a child that way?
who the fuck?
it was between 3rd and 6th grade
when the worst of it came at me.
i was too young
to know anything of suicide,
which was good
because i hated myself every day
every
damn
day.
i lied to my parents
told them school was fine
and after a while
they stopped asking.
i cried under my bed while
my brothers continued
my name calling
at home.
it stopped
for the most part
during high school.
i moved, made friends.
no one knew they were supposed to
hate me.
those years
however
have made me
extremely insecure
defensive
detached
and a little jaded
when it comes to meeting
new people
or even when relating
to those who i am supposedly
close to.
now i have kids of my own
and it disturbs me to think
they could experience the same
sort of hell.
they are both
beautiful children
but different, smart.
the smart ones always are
singled out.
and i know
that if they are anything like me
they will never tell me
about their own
everyday horrors.