Dream landmark

I don't know if it's possible
Probably not
But I'm four drinks in
And a year or so lost, so
I'll let myself sink
Into dream
Concentrate and sleep
Convince my mind it's the only way
Wait at the north pole
I'll stay asleep forever
If I have to.

FUGGIT

this winter world seems so
gray and dirty and cold.
these people, man,
they all focus on THINGS
on buying on consuming
telling the same fucking jokes
over and fucking over
and I can't extract any Real
from anywhere.
I'm screaming, I'm fucking howling
no contact, no nothing
I will never get what I need
stuck in this same rut,
I NEED SOME FUCKING MEANING
is that too much?
it can't be that elusive,
have i just dug too far down?
I'll never be content in the shallow end.
goddammit.
why do I even bother anymore.
my heart/soul/whatever is alone.
i can't relate anymore.

new world

i've created a world
where night reigns supreme
where we can all be whole
because there exists no
obligations, guilt, distance
wires are gone from veins
only the sweet kind of pain
sleep never takes prisoners
and the air we breathe
is made of love.

mad

my brain is fragmenting
into a million beautiful
flaming pieces
and all anyone can see
is a false positive
or a blank space
where I used to be.
it's just too much
to take
as if i've stared too long
into the sun
i'm blind
i'm mad
it's so beautiful
but it hurts.

Searching

I am a vacant shell
I am on another world
Earbuds firmly planted
Head full of distortion
Whiskey taken hold
Dreams unfold
I can't be reached
By them
I'm finding the wavelength
Give me time
Until then I am
Nothing

Run down evening

The sounds are too much
The light is too bright
Rain ruins the snow
Reality ruins dreams
Absence ruins every hour
The evening is desperate
For drinks and solitude
Songs with feeling
Songs with words that speak for me.

Ninja

The words come too hard
So I just let the music
Translate for my heart

I am the master
Of revealing everything
Admitting nothing.

I miss me.

If I was let out in my form,
no not this one,
Mine.
I would walk down the dark corners of town alone
drunk
with a camera
I would wear boots and fishnets again
and smoke and smoke and smoke
be the girl I've always loved
and hid away
My hair would be so long
and I'd swing in the park alone
planning
plotting
breathing and living.
Creating worlds.
Destroying yours.
Rewind to an age when I had no time for fear.
I'd never stop to contemplate the contents of another's mind
never sweat the morning after
because I'll find my way
home
somehow.

Bottom

I'm alone
I don't know what the fuck
Is wrong with me
But I'm all alone with it
Because nobody cares
Because nobody wants to deal with me
I'm a pain
I'm useless and broken
Get help, they say
Just don't bother me with it
Talk to someone who is paid to listen
But they don't know me
They won't care, either.
I make everyone hate me
And I can't even help it
I don't know what I'm doing
This poem is horrible
All my poems are horrible.
But no one reads them
So I don't care
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
I need a drink.

Fuck the holidays

I just can't do this anymore
Each noise
Every fucking thing
Pulls me down
The Christmas tree is still
In its box
It's a week into December
And I just don't care
Nothing
It's pointless
There's nothing to drink
No money
I don't want to think
I don't want to write
But, fuck it all, I'm doing it anyway.
Rudolph is on
I don't give a fuck
About his goddam nose.
And fuck Sam the Snowman, too.
Why is it all so shallow
Why am I so nothing and angry.
I can't tell whether my soul is sick
Or I've realized there is no soul
That we're only pointless chunks of meat
Walking around consuming
And destroying
Until we die.

A wrongness

I'm the butt of their jokes
I tell myself
As I lie on my back
In bed
Tears rolling into my ears.
Every one of my words
I analyze
Turn over and over and over,
Understanding my
Obvious idiocy
Too late.
My mind
My thoughts and my
Inside world
These things never convey properly
And I'm terrified to even
Open my mouth sometimes
For fear of showing my
Wrongness.

Stuff

Superficial
comfort
enough space
convenience
stuff
That's all this shit is
it's stuff
Lovely to the eye
repulsive to the soul
Knocking into all these
Things
In my way
In my way
But you wanted me
They all cry
We could have been
Your freedom
They all plead
It's good backdrop
For the imaginary
For drunken mind movies
But really
None of it's
Real.

What is
real
Sideways glances
Bare feet
Raw soul
Shivers
Buried truth
Lovely mystery
Tragic injustice
And coincidence
Each worth more
Than any if this
Stuff/Shit.